The Tragedy of the Last Adventure of "Rotten Hood" and his Not So Merry Men
in the Bringing of Pasteurella To the shores of England.

A play Written by Asaf Abir and Israel Levin.

Played by the regulations of the games of Dungeons and Dragons and Monopoly.

Dramatis Personae

Ethel of Loxley "the Rotten Hood" – an infamous bandit.

Fuhrer “Tuches” Tuck – a swindler and spiritual leader to the company.

Little John Jr. the III – an outlaw, best friend to Ethel.

Much Less Than Not Much – a simpleton, sodomite and public nuisance.

Nasir Malik Kemal Inal Ibrahin Shams Ad Dualla Wattab ibn Mahmud

Cohen – a mad Arab.

“Sue-Me” Ann Cohen – a JAP, cousin to Ethel, married to Nasir.

Will Black – a bard, a bandit, and a womanizer par excellence.

The Antichrist.

Mephistopheles – his assistant.

Pasteurella Pestis – a Chinese woman, carrier of the black plague.

Joachim – a seraphim of God, tries to stop the advent of the plague.

Giovanni Boccaccio – an Italian poet and humanitarian.

Dupain Friede – a French nobleman, broke his pact with the Antichrist.

Olivier – a French monk.

Chorus.

Also: Soldiers, Guards, Messengers, Paladins, Bandits, Clerks and others.

Scene – Sherwood, Ship, Naples, Florence, Schwarzwald, Boulogne.

Act I

Scene I

Sherwood Forest

ENTER CHORUS

CHOR: Curse on the name of Robin Hood. It was more than one hundred years since our sisi grand-grand father gave away all the family savings, just to save the wretched life of an ungrateful king.

And what favors did King Richard grant in return? He was kind enough to die quickly, and leave no heir behind. So the crown moved to his brother John, the prince of Lackland. And he offsprang the King Henry, who was followed by the Edwards One Two and Three.

Sing, muse, of the changes of the tide. For times change and the King Edward had gained the favor of the people by lowering the taxes, and taking great victories on the land of France. Sing, that Edward forbade the act of robbery and outlawed the grand-grand child of Robin Hood, in the accusation of breaking the law which forbids murder, theft, the rape of innocent women and the burning down the churches of the lord, a hobby which Hood and his company exercised so very often.

Sing that rumors tell now that the King has decided to end the mischief of the get of Loxley, who, with scores of other outlaws has returned to hide in the forest of Sherwood, to prepare to the final confrontation.

EXIT CHORUS

ENTER LITTLE JOHN Jr., FUHRER TUCK

TUCK: I hear the whistle of the scout.

ENTER SCOUT

SCOU: Great Red Tuches (saluting), I have spotted a fancy carriage but lost track of it in the woods, it seemed on its way here. Perhaps we can still catch it.

TUCK AND JOHN HIDE

ENTER THE ANTICHRIST, DISGUISED AS A MERCHANT, AND MEPHISTOPHELES, TRANSFORMED AS A DWARF.

THEY RIDE A SIMPLE BLACK CARRIAGE.

JOHN: This is a robbery! And we just might rape your dwarf too.

ANTI: Oh hello. I’d like to have an interview with Ethel of Loxley. I carry no money with me, but can have you richly rewarded, do you think you could help? And do be careful where you point that three feet scorpion.

TUCK: Arrrggghhhh (throws his crossbow to the ground). Oh fuck it. Come along.

EXIT JOHN, TUCK, ANTICHRIST, MEPHISTOPHELES, SCOUT

Scene II

Another part of the Forest

ENTER ROTTEN HOOD, NASIR COHEN, WILL SCARLET, “SUE-ME” ANN, LITTLE JOHN, TUCHES, NOT MUCH, ANTICHRIST, MEPHISTOPHELES

ANTI: I’ll put it in short words, Hood. The King wants your heads. He has decided to put an end to your affairs and your lives. This (pulls out a scroll) is an order signed in the seal of the king. Please read it.

HOOD: None of us can read.

ANTI: I will read it for you then. (clears his throat) “This order calls upon all the knights of the land to gather, and arrest the bandits Ethel of Loxley, Little John Jr. the III, Fuhrer Tuck, Much Less Than Not Much, Nasir Malik Kemal Inal Ibrahin Shams Ad Dualla Wattab ibn Mahmud Cohen, Will Scarlet, Sue-Me Ann and those who give them aid, and bring them, dead or alive, to the Tower of Nottingham, where they will be hanged, stoned and burned”. So far a thousand knights have answered to the call. You are the last outlaws alive. After you die, the king will be able to do as he pleases. He already lowered taxes, and goes in the wuss ways of the Magna Carta. You are the last enemies he has.

But I know of a way to change things.

I happened to make friends with the best assassin in the world. With my assassin, you can match the king and his 1000 knights. She has never failed to kill.

The only problem is that she is now somewhere on the southern lands of Italy. I am not sure where. The last time I heard from her, she was in Naples, after landing safely from the ship Shing-Shing. This was four days ago. Once her foot is set on England’s shore, your troubles will be over. Her name is Pestis, the lady Pasteurella Pestis(*).

HOOD: Why would we want to do this, anyway?

ANTI: It's the key to the change. Besides that, I will make you all the kings and queens of England, for it is in my powers.

MUCH: Sure it is. We all believe you.

ANTI: (producing from his bag a large oil painting of himself and a youth the resembles King Edward, the youth is seen signing a contract and they both smile at the “camera”) See here, how do you think that this little incompetent fool got to be king? Here, I have written my obligations in a contract. Read it.

HOOD: None of us can read.

ANTI: I will, than. This contract says, that after Mrs. Pestis does her job in England, all of you who are alive will become the rulers of England, and so will your children after you should you sire any. Your side of the contract is to escort Lady Pasteurella Pestis, in any means and ways, from wherever she is, to the shores of England. Sign here.

HOOD: None of us can write.

ANTI: Hmm, what to do, what to do. A signature of your blood will be as good, I suppose.

THE COMPANY SIGNS, THE ANTICHRIST SIGNS, MEPHISTOPHELES SIGNS AS A WITNESS

ANTI: And here is something for you to have on the road. It'll keep you in fit. (hands them a bottle with the purple potion of heal) Drink a little bit of this every day. It'll do you good. Oh, and take this (hands them a cage with pigeons) so we could keep in contact.

HOOD: None of us can write.

ANTI: Oh bugger. Take this parrot, than. Just hit him on the head, and speak very slowly, when you wish to deliver a message. I have allowed myself to rent you places in a ship. I suggest you do the whole trip by the sea. There is a war on the land of France, and it's not a good place in which to be. IT was a pleasure doing business and I hope we meet again soon. The name, by the way, is Morgenstern.

ALL EXIT

Act II

Scene I

On board of the “Red Robin”

ENTER CHORUS

CHOR: For many days the waves carried the ship “Red Robin”. Days of drink and dance and rape and the joy of swordplay and occasional seasickness and puking, mainly by the Fuhrer Tuck. Nasir did get mad on one of the sailors who was a heathen, but by the grace of Allah he did kill him, and nailed his dead body to the mast, turning him into a human-sized target, worthy to the arrows of the Hood. The ladies enjoyed calm walks on the deck in the nights, but did not keep away from quarrels and fights (as they did from the puking Fuhrer).

And now, in this early hour of the morning, the official from the Italy should be getting on board, any minute now, to check the goods and speak with the captain.

EXIT CHORUS

ENTER THE COMPANY, THE CAPTAIN, AND TWO ITALIAN CLERKS

1st CLR: Are these all the passengers? Is this all the cargo? Very well than. Ready my boat, Mercutio.

SECOND ITALIAN CLERK EXITS

1st CLR: So, I see you come from England. What might the people of prosperous England be looking for down here?

NASI: I have a rabbi that lives here.

1st CLR: Well, my boat is ready. With peace I part from you. Enjoy your stay.

ALL EXIT

Scene II

The docks of Naples

ENTER ITALIAN BYPASSERS, THE COMPANY

MUCH: That ship we've seen there wasn't her name "Shing Shing", like the one we are looking for?

WILL: Yea, I think it was. Good bypasser, what's the story with that ship?

BYPS: Bon Giorno, that boat arrived yesterday. As I heard, the authorities refused to let it dock for the captain of the boat refused to see the tax inspectors.

WILL: Yesterday? Some weird shit that is. That merchant said…

MARY: And the boats around it?

BYPS: It's a sort of a siege. A quarantine. All the boats have soldiers in them. No one is allowed on or off the ship's deck, until the inspectors inspect the captain and all the passengers.

THE BYPASSER EXITS

TUCK: Hey, that man over there is the one who inspected our ship, let's follow him.

THE COMPANY IS HIDING

ENTER TWO ITALIAN CLERKS AND FOUR SOLDIERS

1st CLR: I shall go now to give them my final word of warning. Either the captain shows himself, and all, and I mean a-l-l of his passengers, or the ship turns around and goes back all the way to China or wherever the devil sent it from.

2nd CLR: And if not, sir Benvolio?

1st CLR: I will send a warship to drown it.

JOHN: Hello

1st SLD: Who are these?

1st CLR: I'm not sure. What is it that you want?

JOHN: Your cloths.

1st CLR: Thieves! Arrest them!

THE COMPANY FIGHT THE SOLDIERS AND KILLS THEM

1st CLR: Mercy…

NASI: YITGADAL VE-YITKADASH SHMEI RABA… (kills him).

Scene III

On board the Shing-Shing

ENTER THE COMPANY, DISGUISED AS ITALIAN OFFICIALS AND SOLDIERS

HOOD: Good thing we fooled those guards on the boats and managed to climb the ship the way we did (nods and smiles at the audience).

ENTER A SAILOR TAINTED BY THE PLAGUE

HOOD: What an ugly man!

NASI: He looks a little like my aunt.

WILL: (to sailor) Is there a woman in the name of Pasteurella onboard?

SAIL: Curse on you! Go away!

ANN KICKS SAILOR IN THE GROIN AND KNIVES HIM.

ANN: I think I ruined my toenail polish.

MANY SAILORS CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKSTAGE, MANY ENTER

COMPANY KILLS SAILORS

MUCH: Let's look the bitch up!

ENTER PASTEURELLA WITH NASIR

NASI: I got her.

JOHN: She looks funny. Come with us, we are here to save you. You don't talk much do you. Man, she looks sick.

NASI: I think she comes from the east.

TUCK: Such powers of observation you two have…

PARTY EXITS WITH PASTEURELLA

Scene IV

A tavern in Naples

ENTER COMPANY WITH PASTEURELLA

HOOD: I’ll go and show our guest to her bed.

HOOD TAKES PASTEURELLA AND EXITS

WILL: She doesn't talk much, does she.

TUCK: No she doesn't. And she looks scared. By the way, did you notice we are being followed ever since we came back to the shore?

ANN: No I didn't, but the way our own ship, the Red Robin drowned, with that unnamable winged red beast flying away from it, and the way every ship we rented a place in got drowned, man, that was strange.

ENTER JOACHIM, DISGUISED AS A MAN IN WHITE ROBES

JOHN: Look at this man. He has been following us – of that I am sure.

MUCH: He has the face of a cop.

JOAC: You carry something that ought not be carried. Give it to me, and I will pay you more than you deserve.

ANN: Eat me.

EXIT JOACHIM

TUCK: Fuck, did you see that? The way his face changed into an ox's? And then to other animals/ What a scary unearthly being! He has more then one face.

NASI: Are they all faces of cops?

HOOD: (from backstage) Go to sleep, you morons! Tomorrow we start crossing Europe by foot!

ALL EXIT

HOOD: (from backstage) Fuck me! The bitch is dead!

ENTER CHORUS

CHOR: A Parrot quickly did they send unto the noble Morgenstern and it returned with one reply: “Bring the woman to our shores. Never mind her demise. It never stopped her before, and now shouldn’t be otherwise. Wrap her in cotton and rub her with oil, put some wine in the mouth of the wench. Put her in a bag with a handful of soil, that would contain some of the stench.” And so the party of knaves made their way through Italy and to the city of Florence.

EXIT CHORUS

Act III

Scene I

Florence

ENTER THE COMPANY

WILL: Did you notice that we are being followed ever since the landed?

ENTER TWELVE GUARDS, JOACHIM

GUAR: Ev’rybody’s under arrest.

JOAC: Hang them, officer, ha ha ha.

COMPANY FIGHTS GUARDS

COMPANY STARTS LOOSING GROUND

ENTER BLACK RABBIT

RABBIT BITES JOACHIM, JOACHIM SCREAMS AND DISTRACTS GUARDS

COMPANY KILLS GUARDS

EXIT JOACHIM

HOOD: More guards are coming! Go east!

NASI: They are coming from the east too, let’s hide (covers his eyes).

MUCH: (to himself) As stupid as a nigger and as cowardly as a Jew…

ANN: Hey, look at that black rabbit, he helped us earlier…

WILL: And now it looks like it wants us to follow it.

JOHN: Let’s go!

EXIT COMPANY

Scene II

A castle outside Florence

ENTER GIOVANNI BOCCACCIO AND TWO MAIDENS, TALKING

ENTER COMPANY.

BOCC: What do you seek, strangers?

HOOD: A refuge. By the way, have you seen a black rabbit.

BOCC: Well, a refuge you may have, but you may not leave this place for ten days ere. There is a sickness outside, and you have entered a quarantine. Even the city guards daren’t come in here, where the illness may lie. But in ten days we will either know that we are healthy or that we are all dead. Cheer up.

ENTER CHORUS

CHOR: And tough as it was, they did cheer up. For ten days and nights they feasted at the castle, enjoyed the company of the bard and the maidens, and each day, each one of the castle occupiers told a story, making a sum of one hundred stories told. Each night, each one of the occupants executed ten demeaning acts of a reproductional nature, making the sum of many many more lewd and satisfied smiles.

EXIT CHORUS

Scene III

Outside the castle outside Florence

ENTER GRAVEDIGGERS, ENTER THE COMPANY

TUCK: Look, great holes are dug in the ground, and many corpses are thrown in.

WILL: Who died?

DIGR: Who hadn’t? The epidemic had hit our city hard. Stay away if you wish to live. From this point and beyond, only death awaits. Go. Go.

ANN: Ok, we’re going north anyway.

EXIT COMPANY

ENTER CHORUS

CHOR: To the north they’re going, eh? They’re going to the north. To pass rivers, mountains, hills, to keep their oath and to carry an additional errand. The parrot one day ran away and came back with a message in this very tongue “Please be so kind as to visit my old friend, Dupain Friede. He’s French, but since you are my friends, to you he will be kind”.

EXIT CHORUS

Act IV

Scene I

Schwarzwald, “The Black Forest” – Germany

ENTER THE COMPANY

JOHN: Crossing rivers, killing Italian and German clerks, sleeping on wooden beds, surrounded by mice… this forest finally feels like home.

TUCK: Only that it’s too dark to be home. And I think we lost our way.

HOOD: Let’s camp, and continue our journey in the morrow.

COMPANY GOES TO SLEEP; FOG FILLS THE STAGE; ONLY NASIR IS VISIBLE.

JOAC: (Voice from backstage): Nasir! Nasir! You will be the first to die, you ungodly portmanteau of a nigger bastard and the crucifiers of the Lord!

NASI: What? Where is everybody?

ENTER JOACHIM, IN TRUE FIGURE

NASI: This must be a fucking dream. What gives?

WILL: (Comes out of the fog): ‘sup man? Oh Shit! What is this?

JOAC: Your doom.

THE FOG THICKENS. COMPANY IS NOT VISIBLE. JOACHIM FIGHTS NASIR AND WILL.

NASI: We’re going to die!

JOAC: Ha ha ha! Get ready to pay for your deeds!

ENTER HOOD, JOHN AND TUCK. FIGHT CONTINUES

TUCK: This must is a fucking dream, but we are going to die!

ENTER BLACK RABBIT

RABBIT JUMPS AND BITES COMPANY MEMBERS ONE BY ONE, THUS “AWAKENS” THEM.

JOACHIM DISAPPEARS IN THE FOG.

HOOD: I am awaken!

JOHN: It was all a dream!

TUCK: We still have our scars!

WILL: And our bruises, too!

MUCH: And our fungi between our toes.

ANN: And in worse places than that.

NASI: Hey, the fucking rabbit’s still here!

ANN: Let’s follow the little bitch. Bet there’s something it wants us to do!

EXIT RABBIT, FOLLOWED BY COMPANY

Scene II

Another part of the forest, outside a little house. Joachim is inside the house.

HOOD: Let’s go in.

COMPANY ENTERS HOUSE

TUCK: Look, he’s in some kind of a trance. Lets get that flaming sword away from him and than kill him dead!

HOOD PICKS SWORD.

HOOD: Ahh! It burned my palm!

MUCH: Let’s fuck that dick-breath.

COMPANY ATTACKS JOACHIM. JOACHIM WAKES FROM TRANCE AND FIGHTS BACK, ONLY TO LOSE AND DIE

NASI: Let’s cook him in the oven. And tomorrow – to the north!

COMPANY COOKS JOACHIM

EXIT BLACK RABBIT

EXIT PARTY

ENTER CHORUS

CHOR: And to the north it was. After many a random encounter in Schwarzwald did our party come to the war torn land of France. After passing burned villages, pillaging and ravishing any little thing that was left unpillaged or unravished, moving always northwards, past Paris, the party got to the castle of Dupain Friede – Chateau la Pook.

EXIT CHORUS

ACT V

Scene I

Chateau la-Pook – castle of Dupain Friede

ENTER COMPANY

TUCK: That must be that Frenchman’s castle. Here, let’s ask this guy.

SUE: Hey, man, is this the Frenchman’s castle?

CHOR: Yes it is.

EXIT CHORUS, ENTER DUPAIN FRIEDE

HOOD: Best regards from Morgenstern.

DUPA: Qui? ah… oui…. Morgenstern… Come inside, friends. (to himself) Stupid English Kenigets!

ALL EXIT

Scene II

A room in the castle

ENTER COMPANY, DUPAIN

DUPA: Alors, tell me, mes amies how is… Monsieur Morgenstren?

HOOD: He's good.

DUPA: And you? How are you? Comment allez vous?

HOOD: Good…..

DUPA: And, your business with Monsieur Morgen?

WILL: This and that. And yours?

DUPA: That and this. That's all very interesting, good friends. Did he send me anything? No? Alors with your permission I will go make sure your chambers are ready.

EXIT DUPAIN

NASI: I hope we get some nice chambers.

ENTER TWO GUARDS

GURD: Drop your weapons.

COMP: Death first.

ENTER ANOTHER TWENTY GUARDS

COMPANY DROPS WEAPONS AND PASTEURELLA

ALL EXIT

Scene III

A dirty dungeon under the castle

ENTER GUARDS WITH COMPANY

EXIT GUARDS.

TUCK: Fuck.

MUCH: Crap.

WILL: We gotta get out, men, I have a plan. At midnight we shall call the guard, and bang him in the head. Before the dawn of day we will be out and he’ll be dead.

DISTANT CLOCK STRIKES MIDNIGHT

SUE Guard! Guard! We’re ill! We’re sick!

GURD (from backstage): So is our master; what can you do?

SUE Guard! Guard! We’re ill! We’re sick!

GURD (from backstage): He fell in bed this afternoon, right after he was meeting you.

SUE Guard! Guard! We’re ill! We’re sick!

GURD (from backstage): May God help him to get over this.

SUE Guard! Guard! We’re ill! We’re sick!

GURD (from backstage): They say his face is blue like cheese.

ENTER GUARD. COMPANY KILLS GUARD. EXIT COMPANY. SOUNDS OF QUARREL HEARD FROM BACKSTAGE.

HOOD: (from backstage) Don’t forget the fucking body!

Scene IV

A Monastery in Boulogne

ENTRE LA COMPANIE, LE FRERE OLIVIER

OLIV: Mais of course you can stay, bien sur. In these times of war, I will help you for sure. But how did you end up this way? Tell me if you wish to stay.

HOOD: Don’t ask, man, we came from Italy, and we’re heading to England. We were almost executed by this Dupain character.

OLIV: Dupain? When? A week ago? What do you know. For his sins this man has paid. Today I’ve heard God’s mighty hand had stroke him dead and blown his head, inside the safety of his bed. And he deserved it – he was bad. Was going mad. Much blood got shed. A pact he made, (some people said) with Lucifer, and joined his herd. So – you are saved. Now go get shaved.

EXIT OLIVIER

JOHN: Wow… shit.

EXIT COMPANY

Scene V

On the shores of the La-manshe Canal

ENTER THE COMPANY, DISGUISED AS MONKS (EXCEPT TUCK), OLIVIER

OLIV: And now it’s time to fare thee well. I hope that you enjoyed the cell that once belonged to good Marcel, which went, I am afraid, to hell, because he shagged a country girl. Oh I can tell you, she was swell. into her soft flesh we used to dwell, every Monday-

HOOD: Thanks for everything father. See you around.

COMPANY MOUNTS TWO BOATS

OLIV: You know, I feel a little sick, and not because I stroke my prick. It is my throat; I feel some thick… vicious painful bulge, I think.

EXIT COMPANY

OLIV: It’s noon – I’ll lunch now with my friend. And dinner with – I fear – my dad.

EXIT OLIVER

ACT VI

Scene I

England, outside Sherwood forest

A TREE WITH FIFTEEN SKELETONS HANGING FROM IT STANDS AT THE LEFT CORNER OF THE STAGE. ENTER THE COMPANY, DISGUISED AS MONKS

JOHN: What the fuck happened here?

NASI: From where did all the buildings come?

HOOD: And where are my Not So Merry Men? I think they’re gone.

TUCK: No, I can spot few of them over there, on the tree.

HOOD: Let’s go in, quietly. This Morgen-dude better soon be found and give us the crown, or else I dump this Pasteurella in the first garbage can I see.

BLACK RABBIT APPEARS, AND CROSSES STAGE FROM LEFT TO RIGHT

COMP: (simultaneously) Follow it!!

EXIT COMPANY

Scene II

The headquarters of “Rotten” Hood, within Sherwood forest.

ENTER THE ANTICHRIST. ANTI CHRIST SITS AT A TABLE, DELIGHTFULLY OBSERVING A MAP. CACKLES. ENTER COMPANY.

TUCK I saw it entering here.

HOOD Can’t believe it. These are my old HQs. And who’s there, Sitting with his back to us? Isn’t it…..

ANTI: (Without turning) Welcome back. (turning) You did a spectacular work.

WILL: What are you talking about? Your lady friend is dead, your Frenchman friend is dead, all of our friends are dead, and there’s an epidemic, making thousands of people across Europe dead!

ANTI: Spectacular job.

ANN: Wha-

ANTI: Mephistopheles!

ENTER BLACK RABBIT. RABBIT TRANSFORMS INTO A DWARF.

ANTI: How did they do?

MEPH: Above all expectations. They even killed that nemesis of yours.

ANTI: No Joe, huh?

MEPH: No Joe.

HOOD: Ok…. Now, what about our payment?

ANTI: Worry not about Kind Edward. (looks at the map) I can see Pasteurella is already on top of it.

HOOD: I mean what about us being kings, and our children after us?

ANTI: What? Oh, I guess you refer to our contract, which states that those of you who SURVIVE will be the kings of England.

NASI: Well, we all survived, you dick.

ANTI: Yes…. You’re not going to need that purple bottle anymore, are you?

BOTTLE SHATTERS

ANTICHRIST WALKS TO THE SACK THAT HOLDS PASTEURELLA, AND OPENS IT.

ANN: Phewwww! The smell!!

NASI: Allah hu Akbar! Err… I mean – SHMA ISRAEL…

TUCK I feel… bad.

ANTI You’re not alone. A third of Europe shares your feeling. (Whispering to the open sack) Welcome to England, girl. I knew you’ll make it.

ENTER CHORUS

CHOR: I don’t feel so hot either.

FIN